Family Issues
Speaking with the children
When women learn their partner is sexually attracted to other men, often their first question is 'What, how and when should I tell the children?'
Children's needs should lie at the heart of the family and it is important for their parents to support them through this time, which is often a difficult one not just for the adults, but for the children and the family as a whole.
Ideally your children will continue to have a good ongoing relationship with their father because, emotionally, he will always be important to them. Describing their father's sexuality in negative or shameful terms will only make your children feel ashamed about a part of themselves.
Children do best when they have parents who love them unconditionally and who treat each other with respect. Pressuring children to take sides against one parent or another can cause them pain and emotional harm.
When to talk to your children about their father and the family's situation may depend on what noticeable changes are occurring in the family. For example, if you and your partner are arguing a lot, or separating, your children will need an explanation, or else they may blame themselves for the marital problems.
If you and your partner have decided to stay together and you are quite sure the children are not aware of any undercurrents in the home it may be that the children do not need to know, or not just yet. What children know, or want to know, about their parents' as sexual beings?
Some guidelines for telling children...
If you have decided there are undercurrents in the home or changes in the relationship and that it is best the children are given the reasons....
Telling your children as soon as possible will ensure that the parent-child trust is not broken. It is also better for them to be told by you before they hear it from someone else.
If you are thinking of not telling your children, it is important to consider the long-term effects of keeping secrets in the family. However, some parents choose to delay discussing their father's sexuality so the children have some time to mature a little more and understand different forms of sexuality. Some parents use this time to deliberately introduce messages of acceptance and diversity to the children's everyday thinking. This can help prepare the ground for the discussion to come.
The best time to tell children is when you are feeling controlled and calm. Tell them in a loving, supportive manner, ideally with both parents present. All other major issues affecting the family are done by both parents 'as a team' - it is respectful of your role as co-parents and towards the children and this situation is no different. Reassure your children that both of you love them just as much as ever and use language they understand for their age, eg. if the children are young - in trying to explain your partner's new partner you might say something like 'Daddy has a special friend'.
Work at maintaining good communication with your children so that they feel able to speak to you at any time when they have questions or concerns.
Encourage your children to continue to think of their father as the same person who has always loved and cared for them. Emphasise the aspects of their dad that will remain the same.
Other considerations:
Children should be given information in a form that they can understand and is appropriate for their age. Tell them only as much as they need to know at first; they can then ask questions if they need to know more.
Younger children often take information like this in their stride, particularly if they feel supported and are reassured about what changes to the family may mean to them. It is important to explain in simple and sensitive terms. This way they will be more likely to feel comfortable to ask questions as they think of them. Many younger children will 'grow into' a mature understanding of the situation over time.
Adolescents can experience problems with this information at first - perhaps because they are discovering and coming to terms with their own sexuality. Discomfort can stem from seeing parents as sexual beings. Social stereotypes about gay people, and peers' negative reactions, can also be confusing or distressing.
Tell your children that bi/homosexuality is a normal sexual variation, not a 'sickness' or 'perversion' (which is something they may hear from other people). Teenagers need information and guidance to assimilate this into their growing awareness of sexuality. Many families find it helpful to have someone supportive, in addition to their parents, with whom they can talk openly and discuss these issues. This person could be a counsellor or responsible relative or family friend. Alternatively they could call the Kids Help Line: 1800 55 1800 (24 hours).
One of the biggest worries your children may have is about possible comments from their peers. Role playing and practicing statements and 'come backs' with your children can help build their confidence and allay these concerns.
Children may find homosexuality more confronting when it is their same-sex parent. Again, this can be because they look to that parent to model their own behaviour. Teenage boys sometimes find this especially difficult. Some teenagers may fear that they will turn 'gay' themselves. It's important to reassure them that they are no more likely to be gay than any of their friends.
Older children may hold fears that their dad will contract HIV or get hurt in other ways. Ideally their father should reassure them he is aware of the risks and that he will always use safe sex and look after himself to prevent this happening.
Children may need plenty of time to come to terms with their father's lifestyle.
Children will benefit from being allowed to do this at their own pace, not according to anyone else's timetable. Parents should agree on appropriate limits of exposure for children, particularly in regard to the gay parent introducing a new lover.
Learning that their father is gay or bisexual can trigger a period of turmoil and reconstructing of values and beliefs. Reaction will vary according to children's age, personality and relationship with each parent. However with a supportive environment many children will learn tolerance, open mindedness and the importance of honesty and integrity in relationships.
