About Us
The Women Partners of Bisexual Men Service provides
counselling, information and support groups to women in NSW
whose male partners are sexually attracted to men.
Some of these men are in a process of coming out as gay, others identify as bisexual, and other men see themselves as heterosexual or 'straight'.
Women Partners is a NSW state-wide service managed by Leichhardt Women's Community Health Centre (a community based, not for profit, non-government organisation). It has been located at Leichhardt since 2000 and is funded by NSW Health via Sydney South West Area Health Service.
The Women Partners of Bisexual Men Service provides:
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face-face, telephone and email counselling to women whose male partners/ex-partners are sexually attracted to men
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support groups run in Sydney and other women meet in various NSW locations
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training to counsellors, general practitioners and community services in NSW
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information including a suggested reading list, a lending library for group participants, the newsletter 'Str8t Talking' and fact sheets
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referrals to counsellors, sexual health clinics, women's health centres and other support organisations
Services are confidential and free of charge. Donations are appreciated, even small ones. The service relies on donations to help extend its support to women currently experiencing disadvantage, particularly to women in remote and country areas. Donations over $2 are tax deductible. See Support Us for details.
Since 2000 the Women Partners Service has provided support to over 1,600 women whose male partners are same sex attracted. Many of client's male partners are in the process of coming out as gay or are bisexual while other men will never 'come out' or willngly disclose their homosexual behaviour.
In the 2008-9 financial year, 237 counselling sessions were conducted and 54 women were in group support, 23 of whom participated in our new Sydney groups. 98 new women were recorded by front line statistics and these women received individual attention, information, reading material and at times, peer support.
We appreciate that women contact us when experiencing a difficult time in their lives, often with serious questions and the need for information and emotional support. We also know that at this time couples and families can be in crisis, dealing as best they can but under stress. This can be a delicate or traumatic time, often with flow-on consequences and other considerations such as how to involve or protect information from children, parents, friends and/or community.
Our Philosophy underpins our approach
We believe women are the experts in their own life and that women have the knowledge and ability to make their own decisions. We provide a supportive environment and will assist where we can in providing clarity for decision making from an understanding of our experience.
We recognise that different situations suit different people and we respect the woman's decision and will assist her with it - whether it is to stay in the relationship or to separate. In both instances there can be lots of questions and if asked we will assist her anticipate and clarify some of the possible consquences she may encounter.
The Women Partners service is staffed by two part-time workers and is linked with other organizations and health professionals in NSW and interstate.
At the core of the Women Partners service is the motivation to represent and provide non-judgmental support to the many women affected by their male partner's same sex attraction. While NSW Health has had forsight to fund the service for women in NSW, increasingly over the past couple of years, the internet and national media have spread the word to women living outside State borders. Because this is a common, and yet often an isolating and upsetting, experience we'll do what we can to provide support and information to any woman who gets in touch with us.
The occurance leading to the need for this support service...
The proportion of the populaton not exclusively heterosexual has been estimated to between 8 and 11%* while, due to the very nature of the issue, the numbers of non-gay identifying homosexually active men** is difficult to quantify.
Some women enter a relationship knowing of their male partner's sexual attraction to other men. These couples may have negotiated an agreement around this issue. However, sometimes, over time these agreements can break down causing stress in the relationship, confusion, a sense of betrayal and concerns about the future. Women in this situation talk of wanting to work out how their male partner's sexuality fits into the relationship they have together. It's not unusual for women in this situation to talk about wanting to clarify their own thinking and values and perhaps negotiate a new understanding with their male partner.
Other women have no previous knowledge of their male partner's sexual attraction to other men. When the discovery is made, women can experience a range of reactions shock, betrayal, hurt, confusion, grief and rejection.... Her male partner's coming out as gay or bisexual can be a traumatic event and can impact on her very sense of self.
Some men will never willingly 'come out' as gay or bisexual. Women in these situations sometimes talk about wanting to work out what they want in the relationship, and get some help with ideas and guidance about possible outcomes for the situation.
For the woman, the time of her partner's disclosure (or her discovery of his behaviour if he's been secretive) can be a time of emotional turmoil which can potentially lead to other emotional and physical health issues. Apart from the very real impact the woman's new-found knowledge can have on her emotional health, and her family's life, the woman can also be at risk of contracting sexually transmitted infections (STIs) such as Clamydia, Gonnoreah, Syphillis, Genital Herpes and HIV. Our figures indicate that, just prior to her partner's disclosure or at some stage during her relationship, around 40% of women have contracted an STI due to their male partner's same-sex activity (WPBM client data 2006-7).
Women who use the Women Partners service are from every age, socio-economic group and cultural background. They live in Sydney suburbs, in regional centres like Newcastle, Wollongong, Albury and Orange and in small rural communities. They're from 'the family down the street' and often the situation they're dealing with is intensely private. Often we (and other women they meet at support groups) are the only people women have told about their male partner's behaviour.
When women have the knowledge of their male partner's same sex attraction, women often talk about feeling they've gone into the closet from which their partner has emerged. Women can initially find it difficult to reach out to their usual support people because of anxiety and concerns about reactions from family and friends and her own uncertainty about what it all means for them. Women often spend time grappling with what it means for the future of everything she thought was 'set', feeling her life has (in the words of one woman recently) 'become a soap opera' and concerns of subtle or overt homophobia from other people.
Whilst some women in contact with us are dating or in de facto relationships, over 90% of our clients are in marriages of several years to decades. Women in long relationships in particular can be feeling a strong sense of betrayal, that their relationship has been a lie - some say their whole life has been based on lie. This can be a very sad and distressing time that takes time to try to understand and recover from.
It can be important to realise that while there are common experiences, every woman's situation will differ from the next woman's experience and that usually many, many, things in her life would have been real. Women often want to look at and re-build an understanding of the relationship in order to move forward. Counselling, meeting other women in similar situations and perhaps attending a support group can be helpful.
How women find out about their male partner's same sex attraction can have an impact on how she and the family deals with the new situation.
Sometimes the husband/male partner discloses to his wife about his feelings and what he has been doing. Some women have found out after contracting a sexually transmitted infection and have been forced to question why they've contracted crabs, herpes or another infection in what they understood to be a monogamous relationship.
Sometimes women become aware of their male partner's same-sex activities quite by chance by encountering gay porn on the home computer or receiving a phone message or text. There have been times when the children have been the first to find out about Dad.
Women's intuition will often tell them something's 'not quite right' in their relationship or that their partner is withholding something.... In these circumstances, sometimes if confronted, the male partner will tell her some or all of what's happening for him.
Complicating the woman's reactions and ability to understand the situation she is in can be that, during this time, communication with her male partner can be impaired for a range of reasons. Sometimes her partner will be confused about his own emotions, feeling guilty, not wanting to hurt her feelings or will be trying to avoid causing the likely disruption which will ensue from talking with her openly. For these reasons the male partner can understandly find it difficult to communicate with his wife or partner honestly. In addition to these scenarios, our statistics indicate that around 25% of relationships are abusive. Sometimes in these situations the man's sexual behaviour and how he expresses it and does or doesn't communicate can be another tactic used to control or demean the woman.
Abusive behaviour can escalate around the time of his 'coming out' as the tension in the home and within him builds. Women in this situation are strongly encouraged to get the support they may need. Contact Us, a women's health centre or another supportive service close to you and be helped to develop strategies to protect yourself and your family. See Useful Links for women's health services in NSW.
Women partners often contact us in crisis - they may require immediate emotional support, information about sexuality, health concerns or support with family issues.... We also provide information about safe sex and ways to negotiate safe sex and other communication issues with their partner.
Contact us to talk about how we can help or to make an appointment.
Hours: Monday - Friday 9.30am-5.30pm (closed 1-2pm)
Enquiries and telephone counselling
Thursday 9.30am-1pm
Face to face and telephone counselling
T: 02 9560 3011 Freecall: 1800 787 887
* Hillier, L., Dempsey, D., Harrison, L. et al. (1998) Writing Themselves In: A National Report on the sexuality, health and well-being of same-sex attracted young people. Australian Research Centre in Sex Health and Society, La Trobe University.
**Non-Gay Identifying Homosexually Active Men (NGIHAM)
There is a proportion of same sex attracted men who identify as heterosexual but have sexual relations with other men. The behaviour of men in this category is often hidden from most people, excluding their male sexual partner. Subsequently, despite health and community workers' interaction with men in this population group, the actual numbers are difficult to quantify. (WPBM Service 2008)
